Fuck You, Jesus; Pete's Going to Paris

Jesus spent 40 days walking in the desert denying the devil his due and thus laying the groundwork for one of the world's longest-running shams (bigger than Cats even!), and, now, everybody just loves him--they wear "I heart Jesus" t-shirts and bracelets, put "My heart belongs to Jesus" bumper stickers on their cars, and they wear "I love JC" slip-ons. Meanwhile, Pete has been as dry as the desert, aka not had a drink, for over 40 days and all he gets is four new pairs of shoes (Is it possible that there is always only one pair of the shoes left that Pete wants from Zappos?), one pair of brown jeans that don't fit (Are you supposed to try jeans on first?), one tattoo, 206 pins knocked down in a single bowling game, 200 cups of coffee (a tenth of them from Abraco, Pete strongly recommends their cordato (it's pretty) as well as their strawberry vanilla cake (it's tasty), one broken iPod (see planned obsolence), 20 ice cream cones--the salted caramel from General Greene and banana peanut butter from Blue Marble were Pete's two faves--and one roundtrip ticket to Paris. Thus, Pete will be going on hiatus for the next two weeks so all two of you out there reading this will have to find another way to spend your extra ten minutes of free time--Pete suggests attending an e-learning conference. But Pete shall, hopefully, return with sordid tales of bread, wine, cheese, berets, and whatever else. So until then, bonjour!